At least once a month. I don’t know what’s worse… the actual event or the feeling of dread leading up to it. Now, I usually take motherhood with stride. I usually have a positive outlook. I usually (try to) live in the present. I usually get shit done on time, but none of this matters when you are a deep, dark spiral. All of that goes right out the window and seems like light years away to get it back. It’s no doubt this has everything to do with my cycle. Yeah, that luteal week. It’s getting worse as I get older. This last episode started with the normal annoyances of my family. The noises, the crumbs, the laundry piling up, busy schedule of October and the dress up days that come with it. The straw that broke was me realizing my 18-month old’s baby halloween party was the next morning. It was 9pm and I hadn’t shopped for my potluck item. In fact, I didn’t even sign up on the form…and trust me, I love a sign up sheet. Motivation has been lacking. When it first came through, I thought I had time…. until it was 9pm the night before. Something so simple sent me spiraling. Simultaneously, I realized my daugther didn’t have a school appropriate costume for school. She had picked to be one of those ridiculous inflatable characters and this wasn’t allowed understandably. Baby girl had come down in a pretty, feminine, navy dress asking how she could turn it in a costume. A flight attendant (why couldn’t I say pilot)? Madeline? A sailor? I had nothing and I was annoyed that she (I) waited until the night before to figure this out. I sent her up to her room. I didn’t have time for this. And then the crying happened. I broke. Wtf am I doing?! Who allowed me to be a mom? More crying… sobbing more like it. 2 hours later I was laying in bed racking my brain on what she could be. I felt like shit. She’s a kid and I brushed her off. I pulled a few items from my closet, snuck in her room to lay them out for her the next morning. Why couldn’t have I done this when she asked? Why was I so perplexed in the moment where I couldn’t help when she needed it? She didn’t go for the ideas I had and she ended up being a “scholar.” I rolled up some printer paper at 6am and tied a pretty red bow on it…. “this is your degree.” The first thing she was told at the bus stop by another kid was “I can’t tell what you are.” She was silent. I spoke for her. She didn’t like that. I was protecting her, but I fcked up again. I suck at this. If only I had prepared sooner, she wouldn’t be asked this question before the damn sun was even up. Per the photos sent from the teacher, it seemed like she held on to that shotty degree in her hand all day. The only thing I could think of is while the other kids were in full-blown obvious costumes, mine had to explain what she was. I had failed both my baby and my daugther that night. What business do I have being a mother? I’m not good at this. I’m so consumed with schedules, extra curriculars, house management, my job, Halloween festivities, making magic, thinking, thinking, thinking. What’s the next step to this day? How do I make it to 9pm so I can just go to sleep? And how do I do this for the next 18 years or so? So many internal questions… so many doubts….SO self critical. How sad.
And this is the story of this month’s existenital crisis.
You’re not alone even though we feel like it most of the time <3
